Coming From the Shadows Series
The mug warmed Raven’s hands; a meagre comfort against the persistent chill that seemed to cling to her bones; outside, the drizzle painted Blackpool in shades of grey; a fitting backdrop to the anxieties that swirled within Raven’s mind.
Her youth so far had been crushed; so much had happened in just the one year, from assault to abortion, from mental abuse to physical abuse; she was not the same happy girl she use to be; those memories would never go away, the weight threatened to crush her constantly, she managed to take solace in the support from her girlfriend; Yasmin, the support from her mother and sister; but even with those lifelines she clung too, the alley of shadows and fear replayed on an endless loop inside her head.
Her eyes drifted over towards her older sister; Eliza; she was perched on the edge of the couch, her eyes on her mobile, a smile on her face; she radiated an easy confidence that Raven envied; she was a beacon of strength and confidence.
Eliza had traded schoolyard scuffles for international Tae-Kwon Do competitions representing their country of Britain with a fierce determination, Eliza seemed untouched by the same darkness Raven felt; Eliza noticed Raven’s eyes lingering and shifted her attention away entirely from her phone “You’re quiet” she said, her brow furrowing slightly “More than usual; are you okay?”
Raven slowly nodded her head “Just…, thinking”
“About?” Eliza pressed gently
Raven hesitated; the words felt like lead weights in her mouth; how could she explain the suffocating fear, the constant feelings of being watched, the way her heart hammered against her ribs whenever there was a sudden noise, the slightest of disturbances; how could she articulate the burning shame of vulnerability she felt, of being unable t protect herself
She took a deep breath as she stared at her sister “I’m tired of being scared”
The words hung in the air; stark, raw – Eliza’s expression softened with understanding, she took a moment, then decided to get up, putting the mobile down on the table as she did, moving over to her sister and kneeling down in front of her “I know” she said softly, she reached her hands out, gently taking Raven’s; her grip was firm, grounding “And you don’t have to be”
Another wave of anxiety washed over Raven as she stared “But I am; all the time, I jump at shadows, I hate going out when there are too many people; I feel like I am hurting Yasmin when I jump anytime she hugs me; I feel…, helpless”
Gently Eliza squeezed Raven’s hand “You’ve gone through so much” she said; moving her left hand up and stroking her face gently “But your not helpless Raven, you are stronger than you realise” she then smiled and tapped her nose “And a bit untrained”
The word hung there a moment; a spark of possibility in the gloom – Untrained – it wasn’t condemnation, it was a challenge.
Raven thought carefully a moment “Can.., Can I ask you something” she stammered
“Of course” Eliza smiled; her eyes unwavering “You can ask me anything Raven; you know that”
Raven swallowed, her throat was dry as she thought carefully “I…” she started “I want you to teach me to defend myself”
The words were out; a small, fragile seed of hope planted in a barren landscape of her fear, she watched Eliza’s face, searching for any sign of hesitation, of refusal.
Instead, a slow smile spread across Eliza’s face; lighting up her features “You do?” she asked; her voice filled with genuine excitement “Really?”
Raven nodded “Really; I want to learn to defend myself; be strong like you are”
Eliza just maintained her smile, staring at her sister, then she moved Raven’s mug from her hand to the table beside her; then, slowly she stood up; bringing Raven up to her feet as well “Strong like me; I just told you, your stronger than you think; you’ve been through so much in such a small space of time” she chuckled a little “Let’s unlock what you have hidden away shall we?”
And just like that, Raven felt the flicker of something she hadn’t felt for some time; hope.
The next morning, the drizzle had cleared, leaving behind a crisp, clean air; they started in their back garden behind the house; Eliza, dressed in her worn Tae-Kwon Do dobok; looking every bit of the seasoned martial artist; Raven felt a little awkward dressed in an oversized tracksuit.
“Okay; first things first” Eliza said, adopt a serious but encouraging tone “Forget everything you think you know about fighting; this isn’t about aggression, it’s about discipline, about control and awareness”
They soon began the basic’s; stances, blocks and simple punching technique, Raven struggled; her movements were stiff and hesitant; and her fears tended to paralyze her when she started letting doubt enter her head, she felt weak; each block felt futile; her sister though; she was patient.
Eliza corrected Raven’s posture, adjusted her grip and repeated instructions countless times “Relax” she said gently “Breathe; don’t try to force things”
It was frustrating; Raven wanted to be instantly proficient, to shed her fears, to be free of what haunted her; but a martial art wasn’t magic; it was hard work, took dedication and relentless reptition.
Raven would often begin to practise things during the late hours when she struggled to sleep; and as days began to turn to weeks; slowly, Raven had started improving, at the bac of her mind she felt words of encouragement she couldn’t quite click on; the voice was not her own, but it wasn’t her sister, she would have caught her sister if she had been sneaking in at night; and when Yasmin came, she would know her voice; this whispering was someone else entirely; she felt as though someone was now always there with her; even when fear and doubt swarmed her mind, she found the courage to train; there was something more beginning to push her.
Eliza pushed; but never too hard, she understood Raven’s trauma, the fragile state her sister was; she knew when to encourage and when to back off, she was more than just a teacher; she was a mentor, a confidante, a sister.
One afternoon; Tyler joined in when he came around the visit, he assisted Eliza with training Raven; and acted as a referee between them as they take in a gruelling sparring session; when Raven sat panting, she found the body-protector her sister provided her to be quite restrictive, she struggled to understand how Eliza wore it so regularly as if it wasn’t even there, Tyler smiled as he looked over
“You’re doing great Raven” Eliza said; approaching and offering her a bottle of water “Really great; you learning quickly”
Raven sipped the water quickly; clearly needing water, when she finally took a breath her gaze fixed onto the ground “But I still have a long way to go” she said glumly
Eliza just chuckled in response “Of course” she agreed “This is a journey; it takes time, but you’re on the right path; you are beginning to trust yourself, to grow into your own strength”
“I still get scared” Raven looked up; her eyes meeting Eliza’s “I still have nightmares” she confessed, though feeling someone wrap their arms around her from behind, she jumped, and turned her head a little as Yasmin’s head appeared over her shoulder “You scared the life out of me” she panted
“Sorry” Yasmin said softly “I just needed to hug you” she smiled
Eliza giggled a little as she watched.
Approached Eliza he leaned a little “She’s like a mini you at times; how quickly she learns”
“I think it’s a trait” Eliza smiled “Our mum is just as quick at learning new things, though she wasn’t one for martial arts classes, or any self-defence sort of things really” she smiled “I do wonder why I took such an interest in it; because I can’t really explain it”
“Just part of who you are” Tyler smiles; Eliza smiles in response
Eventually, Raven would join the same classes attended by her sister; pushing herself harder each day, slowly growing in confidence; she still felt fear, even more so around new people; often staying near her sister when possible; she found the instructor friendly, warm and welcoming; he was clearly aware of what had happened to her, making things easier and letting her build her confidence within a safe environment.
Always under the watchful eyers, guided when needed; Raven finally felt as though she was on the right path; despite this growing comforting blanket of safety however; there was also something else that had begun to take notice of her – a presence that wasn’t motivated by care or concern.
And as Raven felt herself emboldened by her blossoming confidence, something dark and malevolent had begun to make its home within the shadows, close enough that it could begin observing her much more closely, it’s intentions shrouded in a sinister mystery.
This new observed watched with a different kind of intensity, it wasn’t to guide, nor to protect; but to assess, to learn; and perhaps, to exploit.
Written By: Westley H.
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